Generating Ideas
by Hawkwitch
Summary: Pre-canon. 1-2 years before Open Government, Sir Humphrey decides to renovate DAA buildings, as the 10th Minister Tom Sargent lacks ideas for activity. Unexpected opposition from Sir Arnold is encountered. Also Sir Humphrey reflects upon what makes one a player in London and has problems with staffing.


_Ministers step from one bucket to the next before looking, with occasional deviations, when they step on rakes. Anticipating, what happens in 10 steps and how to avoid it is MY JOB. But my underlings ought to have at least some degree of vision for 3 steps ahead and anything less than that is simply not acceptable._

_..._

_Barbarians at the gate. I have already told this to Alan, The Principal Private Secretary, at least three times: NOT let that Bidiuc cretin anywhere near the Minister. When he asks for an appointment again, he ought to be directed to the real estate division and the clerical staff shows him how to fill in the papers and it is allowed to die naturally. May I ask, dear fellow, is there anything unclear in MY instructions? It appears that Alan lacks sufficient discipline to execute orders under high pressure. Or in another words: some people might start reflecting on his soundness._

_..._

_Barbarians at the gate again. Mr. Bidiuc, that Eastern European imbecile has been banging on my door for three months already. Wants to erect a high-rise building. Even attempted to bribe me, for cripes sake, when I politely told him that alas, the Minister has not and will not give a permission for this. Really. Noone with proper education, or even noone with just British education for that matter, would dare to make such vulgar suggestions to Her Majesty's civil servants. Or at the very least not to those of top ranks. This is not how things get done in a civilized society. Has done absolutely anything to push his case through, apart from getting down on his knees and begging me. A real clown. Ought to try politics perhaps._

_... _

_Blast. Barbarians at the gate AGAIN. After dancing around for five months already, Bidiuc still does not get the point: in London you are either a Somebody or nothing. And guess what, my dear fellow? Having made some cash in trading stolen Soviet oil does NOT make one a player in London. It takes more than just money really. Much more. Classic education. Connections. Culture. Tact. Soundness._

_..._

_Alan started blubbing like a young girl, after he had read his performance review. As soon as I figure out, where to find a sound replacement, we will have a new candidate for the Chairmanship of the War Graves Commission. _

_..._

_I am already starting to have nightmares that some day in the future those noveau riche cretins flood London. This must NOT happen. That threatens the whole foundation of the English culture! During MY lifetime this will also certainly NOT happen._

_/_

_I have been working on the National Database and I must say I am rather pleased with it, but other than that, not much going on. This is getting sort of boring here. Even Bidiuc has not made a spectacle for two weeks already. Mr. Tom Sargent, my 10th Minister is an extremely... special person. A bit... thick, even for a Minister. He is this kind of a Minister, who picks those battles, which are already lost on the level of clerical staff. Wanted to start a public debate on nepotism in civil service. Very droll. His press statement was lost in The Press Office... if it ever made that far, seriously. Though, you got to hand it to Sargent, he is incredibly persistent – which is a rather unusual quality in a Minister – in making himself look foolish. There's still a year and a half till the next general election. I'll go and see Arnold and ask, when will we have the next cabinet reshuffle._

_..._

_Blimey. I should not have done this! Arnold gave me THE look as if I had said something very unhierarchical. I did not. Did I? Then Arnold started gossiping about it and boys had a big laugh... Frank made one feeble attempt at being hilarious and told me that one is judged by the quality of one's opponents... hagakfglhwjgskgnmsl... he will pay for this. I better go to Arnold and beg for forgiveness. It was just a joke anyway, he should be able to understand that._

_..._

_This is just... unprecedented. My lord and master asked me, whether I have ideas, on what to do. ME? It is not really my job, Ministers have all those brilliant ideas, but he insisted upon it. I thought about it and then proposed that we renovate some DAA buildings. It is about time, if you ask me. We tell to the public, that it costs around 300 million pounds, although our procurement really estimates it to 250, and it will look like a howling success. Sargent agreed to my idea. I wonder if I ought to be suspicious now?_

_..._

_The call for tenders was launched yesterday. Boys thought that my idea is a pure stroke of genius and now want to implement the same in their departments as well._

_/_

_When I was a kid, I liked going to the circus. Clowns, monkeys... but as it is these days, talking to backbench MP-s is pretty close to that experience. I answered to their questions earlier today. One of them asked questions, which were completely off-topic. Probably had a wrong list of questions with him. I gave the answers I intended to give, nonetheless. Noone noticed anything. Ah! It's time for a lunch with my dear Arnold now._

_..._

_Oh bloody hell! All bloody hell broke loose today! Everything hit the fan! We've been best friends since we went to the university and I've worked together with him most of my life and I absolutely adore him, but... HOW COULD HE do this to me now? NOOOOO!_

_..._

_This is a theoretical speculation, of course, but there is one purely hypothetical Cabinet Secretary, who truly deserves a purely hypothetical punch in the face._

_..._

_Sgwstgjslkgnsfnlehgdjkngrkghldhgxdnvgxfgslhgsd...f hnkklrgwelgnskngskgsklgnsdkngskgns... gslkgnwghsdlghdglerhierhglskfnhaseghsdrghslkghslgj srghdljgsd... xdjfgskghs._

_..._

_What just happened? My fine porcelain shattered into pieces? My chair is broken? Possibly there was an earthquake... yes... yes... I better tell Alan to clean up my cabinet, this task should be doable and sufficiently challenging for his skill-level._

_..._

_WHAT TO DO? Normally I would ask Arnold, but it was he who threw this curveball! It's all his fault! Drastic times call for drastic measures! I'll go and talk to our young and chipper head of procurement division. He is very good, alright, but I'm afraid that he needs to start proving now that he is also capable of being sound._

_..._

_Arnold had bloody 5 months to veto this renovation project, since the tender was launched. Now, as the deal was just signed, a „retrospective veto" for cripes sake?!_

_..._

_Retrospective veto? Seriously. I better make a note of that. Maybe I can use it some day._

_..._

_So I patiently explained it to our young and chipper head of procurement division, that the project, which we had been working on so hard has to be terminated at all costs, effective immediately. The boy nearly had a seizure. With a completely stupified look he asked: „Oh Gosh... is it something... compromising?"; „Getting all procedural rules right is YOUR job, my dear Bernard! Unless YOU have done or intend to do something compromising, then is isn't!" I told him. Come to think of it, maybe I scared the boy too much? Will he co-operate?_

_..._

_...hfdjjhrsd... I went to Arnold, I was gravely embarrassed and begged for forgiveness. When I asked why axe the renovations, everybody loves it, Arnold vageuly implied that it is not the right time and he does not approve of the project manager. This explanation does not sound the very credible, but I didn't tell him that. That's one Cambridge fellow with an excellent track-record. Yes, there are three kinds of people: a) those who went to Oxford b) those who went to Cambridge c) other people. But, seriously, those who went to Cambridge are not exactly the people whom you can ignore completely, even if you desperately want to. Sigh..._

_..._

_Looks like the crisis has been contained. Woolley got back to me. Said that he was looking into it, whether the contractor had breached any terms, but could not find any wrongdoings, as it would be rather unusual in such an early phase anyway. However, he met with the project manager and negotiated a settlement – he is willing to pull out if he gets 20 million pounds in damages now and is not excluded from future tenders. Sound man!_

_..._

_Jumbo started speculating that the real reason is, my idea was way too good and Arnold thinks now that I am acting unhierarchically and wants to bring my ego down a notch. MY ego? Oh really. I'm not acting unhierarchically! This is ridiculous._

_Looks like now we have another crisis brewing up in approximately 3 years time: namely Bernard Woolley. He's extremely good at his current job. National Audit Office is never capable of justifying their existence with DAA procurements, as everything is done correctly. Select Committees and that sort of ilk need to resort to barbarism, asking silly questions, whether something is „reasonable". And he terminated this ghastly contract very smoothly. Frightfully smoothly in fact. Clearly the kid is getting bored pretty soon with what he is doing now and wants to be a player. Maybe I should promote him? People who actually have capabilities to DO what is required of them, are not that easy to find, alas... and he better owe a promotion to me than to anyone else. Could also get that Alan imbecile out of my sight... that's a thought._

_..._

_„There is a heresay that your new boy bought himself a Bentley after promotion. Looks like some high-flyer, if you ask me. Some people might start wondering, whether procuring vehicles really is his true level of competence." Arnold said. It is pretty amusing, really, but I did not ask him and DAA staffing decisions are delegated to me! Very unhierarchical! I cannot have my decisions criticized like this, or I lose credibility! I simply told him that somebody who got a first in Oxford cannot be a bad chap by definition. He had no further grounds to argue on this one._

_..._

_Blast. Now, 2 months later, after handing a 20 million pound windfall to a chap he does not even like, Arnold presented a renovation of government buildings as HIS OWN idea... rfhdlgkjwlghwe... I cannot do absolutely ANYTHING about it, except expressing my fullest support. I should have been able to foresee this development, come to think of that._

_FIN._


End file.
